Blunt

I want to feel pain
because
feeling pain is better than
not feeling

and I don't know how to
inflict any other feeling

so, I want to feel some pain
a little bit
just some sensation

I cannot feel the pain

but then I know
why some people do drugs
or why
hurt themselves
it is not masochism
it is escape from the nothingness

but I know
I cannot and would not and shall not
do that
that is not the way
that is the short cut
that is escape
without liberation

PS:
so I scratch my head
mild scratch
like when you are puzzled
because that is what I am
confuzzled
with simultaneous overload and absence of feelings