just here

at the end of a day, sorrow
or sadness
something, pervasive
enters my body, my mind

I don't know what it is
but it enters

every day, almost
every other day,
any day,
when I don't have distractions

when I was a kid
there was this novelist, from Bangladesh
Humayun Ahmed
he had this term:
"dukkho bilash"
I don't know how to translate it
but that happens
to me
every day
whenever
I
do
not
have
distractions

I D K

how
to
escape
it

so I accept it

but I want to be in a place
where sadness is not the norm

I am here

sitting at my kitchen counter
on my work laptop
thinking of
what else I have
in my life

I don't know
what to do
how to do
why to do

I just keep breathing
and walking
and doing

the things that I do

my most common phrase
"the things that I do"

but is it
mechanical for me?

where is the spark
that I had
some lifetime ago?

can
I
get
that
spark
back?

I want it, so badly.
I need it.

or else!
or else?
I don't know.

just here

typing out a factual diagnosis
of my un-held emotions

with the hope
that the very act
of typing this down
will
get me closer

\[end\]